{"id":498,"date":"2023-08-02T09:21:36","date_gmt":"2023-08-02T13:21:36","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jerrykuntz.org\/harryhill\/?p=498"},"modified":"2023-08-02T09:21:40","modified_gmt":"2023-08-02T13:21:40","slug":"harry-hosts-the-country-bumpkins-published-sep-9-1883","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jerrykuntz.org\/harryhill\/harry-hosts-the-country-bumpkins-published-sep-9-1883\/","title":{"rendered":"Harry Hosts the Country Bumpkins [published Sep. 9, 1883]"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

      I was standin\u2019 in front of my little theatre the other evenin\u2019, about twilight, thinkin\u2019 over matters and things, and thinkin\u2019 after all how few things there were that were worth thinkin\u2019 about\u2013thinkin\u2019 for instance it really didn’t make any difference to the world which of the three, Sullivan, Slade or a Mitchell, was the best man; or whether Dana had killed Hancock, or whether Tilden was goin\u2019 to be nominated; or whether Arthur was goin\u2019 to be abducted; or whether anybody would remember poor old Uncle Bill Tovee a year hence; or whether anybody ever did swim across the whirlpool at Niagara, or\u2013or\u2013when one of my barkeepers came up to me, and tappin\u2019 me on the shoulder, pointed to a party on the sidewalk. The party consisted of six, a man, a woman and four children, all from the country, all poorly dressed, all country bumpkins and no mistake.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      The man was a big burly chap with a prize ox sort of a look, the woman as thin and sour as he was fat and stupid. The children were of varyin\u2019 ages, anywhere from five to thirteen or fourteen years, two of \u2018em girls as fat and \u201cloggy\u201d lookin\u2019 as their father, the other two, boys, as thin, if not as sour, as their mother.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      The whole six were clad in one dress or suit\u2013at least, all their dresses or suits seemed made of one piece. Each looked like a part of the rest, and as if there was only one rig between \u2018em, worn in bits or installments.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Some of the children were munchin\u2019 bread and the rest were munchin\u2019 apples when I saw \u2018em, and they were all lookin\u2019 kind of curiously and awestruck at my buildin\u2019, as if they expected that it might tumble down upon \u2018em at any moment. They were all huddled together as if they were emigrants, and when I stepped up to \u2018em they started as if they were \u201ccrooked\u201d and I was a \u201ccop.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      I have always liked downright country people, and there was no doubt about these bein\u2019 genuine \u201ccountries.\u201d So I strolled along the sidewalk till I got alongside of the father of this interestin\u2019 family group, and then I asked him what he wanted and if I could do anythin\u2019 for him. \u201cBe this Harry Hill\u2019s?\u201d he asked, with a kind of snigger. \u201cYes,\u201d I answered without a snigger. \u201cWe want to see Harry Hill,\u201d the man said. \u201cWell, you can see him in there about eight or nine o\u2019clock,\u201d I said, pointing to my theatre entrance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \u201cIn there? Can we get in there?\u201d asked the man of me, still with his snigger. Some folks are always sniggerin\u2019; he was one of \u2018em.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \u201cYes,\u201d I answered, \u201cthat place was made to go in.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \u201cDo you have to pay anythin\u2019 to go in there?\u201d asked the man with evident anxiety.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      I thought of Artemis Ward’s joke, that he could pay without goin in but couldn’t go in without payin\u2019, but I simply contented myself with remarkin\u2019 that the price of admission was twenty-five cents, and very cheap at that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      But cheap as it was the man’s face fell, and the woman’s face fell, and the children’s faces fell. They all fell over that one stumblin\u2019 block\u2013that twenty-five cents admission. They looked at each other and then turned sorrowfully away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      My bowels of compassion were loosened, my sympathies were aroused. Poor devils, they had evidently walked a long distance just to see me and my place, and now they had to walk back again without seein\u2019 anythin\u2019 but the outside of a rather neat white buildin\u2019. The buildin\u2019 alone wasn’t worth the walk, so I winked to my doorkeeper not to charge \u2018em any admission, and then I told \u2018em to walk in and go upstairs and sit down till the show began.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      At this the party began to show some signs of life, then turned back considerably less sorrowful than they were a minute before, and lookin\u2019 at me suspiciously, as if there was some hocus pocus about my invitation, yet accepted it, and walked upstairs and took seats, all sniggerin\u2019 now together. For a minute they sat as if expectin\u2019 at any minute to be bounced, or to wake and find it all a dream. But seein\u2019 that they were undisturbed, they soon plucked up courage and gazed contentedly and open mouth at everythin\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      It was early yet, not half past seven, so they had plenty of time to look around before the show.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      If they were pleased before the performances commenced they were delighted beyond measure when the show began. But they were none of them very demonstrative of their delight. They made no loud noises, did no clappin\u2019 or applaudin\u2019; that wasn’t their way; but they kept on sniggerin\u2019 more and more. It was as good as a play to me just to sit and watch \u2018em, which I did from my little place back of the entrance door.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      It wasn’t the first time that a manager has found his audience more interestin\u2019 than his actors, and I chuckled inwardly every now and then at my sniggerin\u2019 \u201ccountries.\u201d In fact, I got dry lookin\u2019 at \u2018em, and treated myself to a drink, a thing I seldom do durin\u2019 business hours. And then that made me think that probably my visitors were by this time gettin\u2019 dry too. I had it first cherished the idea that the old man might order drinks, lemonade or somethin\u2019 for the crowd, but that idea soon was banished by observation and reflection. \u201cThat old party,\u201d I said to my lady cashier, \u201cdon’t know enough to order anythin\u2019. The bare notion that he can get somethin\u2019 to drink don’t ever enter his thick head. So I guess I’ll send \u2018em something to wet their whistles with anyway\u2013the little children at any rate.\u201d So I sent an attendant round to ask the children and their mother whether they would have coffee or lemonade or a glass of ale. It took some time and hard work to get into their heads that I was goin\u2019 to treat \u2018em to somethin\u2019 to drink, but when they once got the idea I must say they did it justice\u2013the old woman, especially. She took coffee and lemonade and ale\u2013all three, one after the other, and didn’t get sick, either. As for the old man, I didn’t send him anythin\u2019 at first, thinkin\u2019, perhaps, he might take the hint. But, instead, he took some of the refreshments intended for the children. So, in sheer defense of the young \u2018uns, I had to send the old man some of his favorite tipple, which turned out to be applejack, and a very stiff horn he could swallow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Then, some time after, I saw one of the children of the party lookin\u2019 rather wistfully at somethin\u2019 somebody was eatin\u2019 at the next table, and this gave me the idea that the young ones and their mother might be hungry as well as thirsty. They might be both together, for the all the old man seemed to know or care, not from cruelty, but stupidity; so I asked and attendant to send the mother and children some sandwiches and things. As soon as he saw the children and his wife gettin\u2019 somethin\u2019 to eat, the old man spoke out, kind of bold like, to the girl and ordered a bit of cold ham and a boiled egg. Now, thinks I, at last, the old man has come to his senses and understands where he is. He had ordered somethin\u2019 and will pay for it like a man, but though he ate it like a man, and a very hungry one, he seemed to count it as part of the \u201ctreat\u201d and never even hinted at payment, so I let his ham and eggs go with the rest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Finally, it got to be late, nearly twelve o\u2019clock, and the children, one by one, had fallen asleep from sheer weariness and fullness, after their eatin\u2019 and drinkin\u2019. I pitted the poor, tired youngsters and their mother, and even kind of pitied the thick-headed husband and father, who seemed to be about as unfitted for New York life, or any life except, perhaps, a very rustic one, as any male bein\u2019 I had ever seen. How were they all going to get home for the night? Where did they live anyway?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      I determined to find out and to send \u2018em off. So I rose and walked over to where the father and mother were seated, with their young ones sleepin\u2019 all around \u2018em.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \u201cWell, how do you like it as far as you’ve got?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \u201cOh, pretty well,\u201d said the man with the everlastin\u2019 snicker, \u201cbut I want to see Harry Hill.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \u201cAll right,\u201d says I, \u201dlook at me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \u201cBe you Harry Hill?\u201d asks he.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \u201cI be,\u201d answers I.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \u201cWhy, you be\u2019ant such a wonderful man to look at, after all,\u201d says he.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \u201cHumph!,\u201d says I; wonder what kind of a wonderful man he had expected to find me\u2013two heads, three legs, four arms, I suppose, and so on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \u201cAnd now,\u201d I continued, \u201cthat you have seen Harry Hill, how are you and your family goin\u2019 to get home to-night?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       \u201cOh, I guess the old woman and I will manage it somehow between us,\u201d said the man with the snicker.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \u201cYes, we’ll manage it somehow, Mr. Hill,\u201d said the woman, with her snicker.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \u201cBut how about the children?\u201d I asked, lookin\u2019 at the sleepin\u2019 little ones.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       \u201cOh,\u201d said the man, \u201ctwo of \u2018em can walk and the other two the old woman and I can carry along.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \u201cBut how far from here do you live?\u201d I asked. \u201cWhere do you put u\u2013what hotel or lodgin\u2019 house?\u201d for of course I could see they were strangers to the city.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \u201cOh, we have got a room at McNully\u2019s tavern\u201d–I think that was what he called the place\u2013 \u201cdown in Greenwich street.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      The idea of two of those children havin\u2019 to walk all the way down to Greenwich street at that time of night, and of the two old duffers trudgin\u2019 along, carryin\u2019 the other two in their arms through the streets at midnight! I didn’t like the idea a bit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      I called one of my men and, takin\u2019 him aside, told him to go downstairs and get a coach. Then I called the man back and determined to go get a coach for the party myself. I could make a better bargain with the hackman then my man could, and if I was a-goin\u2019 to do a little bit of charity, I might as well do it prudently as possible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      So I went down to the street and, meetin\u2019 a pretty decent sort of a \u201cnighthawk\u201d with his old hack, near the corner of Broadway and Houston, I made a bargain with him to carry the party wherever they wanted to go for a dollar and a half. Then, bein\u2019 by this time pretty tired of the affair, and wantin\u2019 to get it off my hands, I hurried back and hustled the party downstairs, with their half-awake children, into the coach.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      And just as the party were comin\u2019 down the stairs I met Australian Kelly comin\u2019 up. I spoke to Kelly and Kelly spoke to me, and then Kelly looked at my party and, to my surprise, spoke and shook hands with the old duffer, the head of the family, whom he, Kelly, seemed glad to see, but who didn’t seem particularly anxious to see Kelly\u2013rather try to dodge him, in fact.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      I thought this rather funny, but hurried my party into the hack, which drove off, after the old man and the old woman had kind of clumsily thanked me and bid me good bye.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      When I got back to my place again I found Australian Kelly waitin\u2019 for me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \u201c\u2018Ow hon hearth did you strike that here party, \u2018Arry?\u201d Kelly asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      I didn’t strike \u2018em,\u201d I answered, \u201cthey have struck me.\u201d And then I told him all about the party.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Kelly listened attentively and then laughed heartily.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \u201cHi say, \u2018Arry,\u201d said he, \u201c\u2018ave you been puttin\u2019 hup this \u2018ere \u2018old duffer,\u2019 as you call \u2018im\u2013\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \u201cI don’t know what you mean by puttin\u2019 up,\u201d says I, rather stiffly. You see I didn’t exactly like the way Kelly took what I had been tellin\u2019 him. \u201cBut if you mean I have treated \u2018em all as well as I knew how\u2013why, then, yes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \u201cYou let him hin free, didn’t you?\u201d asked Kelly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \u201cYes,\u201d I replied.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \u201cHand then you gave hem somethin\u2019 to heat?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       \u201cHand somethin\u2019 to drink?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \u201cHand paid their coach \u2018ire?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWell, then,\u201d says Australian Kelly, slappin\u2019 me on the back, \u201chall hi\u2019ve got to say his, \u2018Arry \u2018Ill, that you’ve been treatin\u2019 one of the richest old farmers hin hall of Monmouth county, New Jersey, a man who howns several \u2018ouses in this \u2018ere city, and who boarded me once when hi was trainin\u2019 for a mill. Why, the man’s got more money than you \u2018ave to-day, or ever will \u2018ave, \u2018Arry \u2018Ill.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 And I’ve since found that Australian Kelly was right, and that the \u201cold duffer\u201d had been, as they say, playin\u2019 me for a sucker. I don’t take any more stock in \u201ccharity\u201d of that kind. I never allow my feelin\u2019s to get the better of me again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[Editor’s notes: The things that Harry was pondering before the bumpkins arrived were: the merits of boxers John L. Sullivan, Charley Mitchell, and Herbert Slade, all in their prime in 1883. Charles Dana, editor of the Democrat-aligned New York Sun<\/em>, was accused in 1883 of conspiring with Democrat Samuel Tilden to deny the 1880 presidential nomination of fellow-Democrat Winfield Scott Hancock. Tilden considered running again in 1884, but ultimately decided against it due to poor health. President Chester A. Arthur led a wilderness fishing expedition to Yellowstone Park in August 1883, and met with Shoshone and Arapaho tribal representatives. His visit helped efforts to preserve the Park from privatization. “Uncle Bill” Tovee was a former prizefighter and longtime friend and emcee at Harry Hill’s dance hall. He passed away in August, 1883. Matthew Webb, the English swimmer who was the first to cross the English Channel, died in July 1883 while attempting to swim through the whirlpool rapids below Niagara Falls.]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      I was standin\u2019 in front of my little theatre<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[57,77],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-498","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-anecdotes","category-harry-hill"],"yoast_head":"\nHarry Hosts the Country Bumpkins [published Sep. 9, 1883] - Harry Hill's Gotham<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/jerrykuntz.org\/harryhill\/harry-hosts-the-country-bumpkins-published-sep-9-1883\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Harry Hosts the Country Bumpkins [published Sep. 9, 1883] - 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