{"id":264,"date":"2023-07-18T14:13:22","date_gmt":"2023-07-18T18:13:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jerrykuntz.org\/harryhill\/?p=264"},"modified":"2023-07-18T14:13:27","modified_gmt":"2023-07-18T18:13:27","slug":"rooster-kell-teller-of-tall-tales-published-apr-10-1881","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jerrykuntz.org\/harryhill\/rooster-kell-teller-of-tall-tales-published-apr-10-1881\/","title":{"rendered":"Rooster Kell, Teller of Tall Tales [published Apr. 10, 1881]"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

       \u201cRooster Kell,\u201d a well-known sport, \u201cpassed in his checks\u201d lately. \u201cRooster Kell\u201d was a character. He would have delighted Charles Dickens, for there was nobody like him. There have been better men and worse men, but no other \u201cRooster Kell.\u201d He was a gambler and outside man for faro games. \u201cOnly a sport\u201d and not a sport of the highest kind, either. But he had his good points. He was a pretty honest man in his way, about money matters. He loved his family, and though he never kept any money for himself, he left his folks pretty well fixed. And he will be regretted more and remembered longer than many a better or a smarter man. He never seemed to care about money, and never had any energy or ambition. All he cared for was having a good time and tellin\u2019 stories. And such stories! The most unlikely yarns you ever heard of\u2013yarns which nobody would listen to from anybody else, but which \u201cRooster Kell\u201d told so well, and told with such gusto, that one almost believed him, although they are impossible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       Rooster Kell swore like a trooper, and never hesitated to swear to the truth of his own stories. The boys round town thought that he really believed his own inventions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       One of his favorite stories was his adventure with the monkeys in South America. Accordin\u2019 to Rooster Kell, he was years ago wanderin\u2019 in a South American forest, and there he lost his way, and, wearied out at last, tryin\u2019 in vain to find it, he laid down in the shade for a little rest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       He heard voices near him, voices talkin\u2019 Spanish. He looked round him but couldn’t see any men, nor any women, nor any children, nothin\u2019 but monkeys, in fact; yet there were the voices right near him, talkin\u2019 Spanish\u2013and right good Spanish, too. Rooster Kell had picked up Spanish by this time and was a judge of the lingo, and he never heard better Spanish than then, in the forest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       This was mighty funny, and Rooster Kell was bothered to explain the mystery. At last he watched two big monkeys near him, and saw that they were a jabberin\u2019 away to each other, and then the idea struck him, like a flash of lightning, that it must be the monkeys who were talkin\u2019 Spanish to each other in the forest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       He waited a minute in hidin\u2019 and then he burst upon the two monkeys. They started off, or tried to, but he called called \u2018em back in Spanish and told \u2018em he had discovered their secret. Then he asked \u2018em, for goodness sake, to tell him why it was, if they could talk Spanish so well in private, why they never seemed to understand it or pretend to talk it in public.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       And then one of the two monkeys up and told him that if he was a monkey, at least he wasn’t a fool into the bargain, and that although the monkeys had been able for hundreds of years to talk Spanish with the natives, they never owned up or else the white man would have made slaves of them and put them to work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       Then the monkey who told him all this extracted a promise from him that he wouldn’t say anything about this discovery of his while he was in South America, at least; not till he got back into his own country; and Rooster Kell bein\u2019 a gentleman and not wishin\u2019 to take advantage even of a monkey gave this promise, and kept it, too. \u201cFor,\u201d said Rooster Kell, when he told this story, \u201cI got the two monkeys to show me my way out of that forest, and enjoyed their conversation very much. I found them quite intelligent, and as I always like to encourage brains, even in monkeys, and as I had a pack of cards with me, I sat down a while and taught the two monkeys to play seven-up. They took to it very kindly, and promised never to forget me. I, for my part, gave \u2018em my promise never to betray their secret, and I never said a word about it while I was in South America.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       This story will give you a pretty good idea of what Rooster Kell\u2019s yarns were like. They were the most outrageous fibs, but he told \u2018em with the gravest face, and never winced.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       And there was this one thing about Rooster Kell: if he ever said a thing, no matter how wild or absurd, he stuck to it, never changed it, never came down a peg, but held on to his original statement like a bulldog to a man’s leg. The more you tried to laugh him out of his yarn the more firmly he stuck to it\u2013as if it was a woman in trouble and he was defending her. In fact I believe he cared more for his stories than he did for women. and he wasn’t a hater of the sex, either.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       He used to have a pal or partner called Wooly Moon, and the two used to work a jolly nice racket together. Rooster Kell would get up a yarn, some wild impossible thing, and get somebody to bet drinks or money it wasn’t so, as anybody of any sense would be willing to bet any amount. Then in would happen to drop this Wooly Moon and Rooster Kell would refer the matter to him, as if by accident or carelessly, and Wooly Moon would say just about the same thing as Rooster Kell had just said, and then the other fellow would have to pay the bet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       They used to try it on at the old Ocean House years ago, this Rooster Kell and Wooly Moon, and one time, the story goes, they tried it on John Morrissey.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       Rooster Kell swore before a crowded bar-room that he had once rode on a Canadian river with a pair of oars fifty feet long.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       \u201cHow long did you say those oars were?\u201d asked John Morrissey.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       \u201cThey measured just fifty feet,\u201d said Rooster Kell, very exact and particular.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       \u201cNot a foot less?\u201d asked Morrissey.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       \u201cNot a foot less,\u201d said Rooster Kell,  \u201cfifty feet by official measurement. I’m willin\u2019 to bet drinks with any man that those oars were just fifty long.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       \u201cI’ll take that bet,\u201d said John Morrissey; \u201cdrinks for the crowd,\u201d and it was a pretty big crowd that night, as it was rainin\u2019 and all the gang kept indoors around the stove.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       Pretty soon Wooly Moon happened to come into the bar-room, and then Rooster Kell hollered to him, just as if he hadn’t dreamed of seein\u2019 him that night.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       \u201cWhy, Wooly, you are just the man the boys are waitin\u2019 to see. Don’t you remember when you and I were in Canada together two years ago?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       \u201cYes, I do,\u201d said Wooly Moon.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       \u201cWell, don’t you remember seeing a pair of mighty big oars lyin\u2019 alongside of a boat, and that you and I shoved the boat into the water and circused with those oars?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       \u201cYes. Come to think of it, I do remember just as you tell it,\u201d said Wooly Moon.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       \u201cWell, don’t you remember we had a bet how long those oars were, and you won the bet by coming nearest to the real length?\u201d asked Rooster Kell.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       \u201cYes,\u201d said Wooly Moon, \u201cI remember that, too, now\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       \u201cWell, Wooly,\u201d said Rooster Kell, \u201ctell the boys how long those oars were proved to be by actual measurement.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        \u201cWhy, fifty feet, to be sure,\u201d  said Wooly Moon.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

         \u201cYou see,\u201d said Rooster Kell to John Morrissey, who had been taking in every word of this conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       \u201cYes,\u201d said Morrissey, \u201cand I hear, too, and I refuse to pay the bet.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       \u201cYou refuse,\u201d  said Rooster Kell, and the other boys looked astonished, too, for John Morrissey even then had made the reputation of bein\u2019 a man who never went back on his word.    <\/p>\n\n\n\n

      \u201cYes,  I refuse,\u201d  said Morrissey, \u201cand I leave it to the crowd if I ain’t doin\u2019 right under the circumstances. I ain\u2019t got nothin\u2019 against the length of the oars, but I have got something against Wooly Moon, who said two years ago he was in Canada. Now, didn’t he last night, to help his friend win a bet, say and swear to it, that two years ago he was the entire year over in Ireland, in Dublin?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       \u201cHe did\u2013he did,\u201d said the boys who recollected the statement. \u201cAnd didn’t he say afterwards, too,\u201d asked Morrissey, \u201cto win another bet, that he had never been in Canada in the whole course of his life?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       \u201cHe did\u2013he did,\u201d said the boys who recollected that circumstance, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       \u201cWell, then either those two bets were wrongly decided last night,\u201d said Morrissey, \u201cor else my bet is off tonight on this gentleman’s own statement,\u201d pointing to Wooly Moon and walkin\u2019 off.                     <\/p>\n\n\n\n

       Then the boys went for Rooster Kell. It didn’t matter to \u2018em who paid for the drinks\u2013Rooster Kell or John Morrissey\u2013so they got the drinks; and this time it did seem to the boys as if Rooster Kell and Woolly Moon had been playin\u2019 it a little too fine and had been caught in their own trap.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       You see, fellows who tell tough stories should have long memories.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       Rooster Kell\u2019s last appearance in public life was durin\u2019 the contest between Nick Muller and Ben Wood for congress last Fall, in which fight Rooster Kell was against Wood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       The way Rooster Kell told his own story of his share in this fight was about as follows: \u201cYou see,\u201d he said, \u201cboys, I was agin Wood this time on principle. Wood was a good trump, but the boys had got a little soured on him, and he had got a little too independent of \u2018the boys,\u2019 and in fact we all thought Nick Muller was just the man to send to Congress. So I worked day and night in Nick Miller’s behalf just for principle\u2013and expenses, bare expenses. Well, one day, Muller wanted me to attend at once to some very delicate and important work for him; in fact, boys, if you won’t give it away, I’ll tell you in confidence just how delicate and important it was. It was to see Shed Shook, up at the Union Place Hotel, and make a deal with him. Nobody would do for this work but me, boys, so I took it in hand right off and determined to carry it through, though Shed Shook and I were a little \u2018off\u2019 just then.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       \u201cWell, Muller,\u201d says I, \u201cI’m ready. I’ll just take a Broadway bus, or the elevated, and ride up to Union Square.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       \u201c\u2018No, you won’t take a Broadway bus\u2019,\u201d says Muller, \u201c\u2018and you won’t take the elevated neither. You’ll just take this\u2019 giving me a tenner\u2013a brand new tenner\u2013\u2019and then you’ll just take that,\u2019 pointing to a hack which stood in waitin\u2019, \u2018and you’ll make the best time you can and see Shed Shook.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       \u201c\u2018You bet,\u2019 says I, and jumping into the hack, and closing the door with the bang. I hollered to the driver not to stop for anybody or anythin\u2019, but to drive like mad to the Union Place Hotel, as if his mother-in-law was after him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       \u201cI was smoking a Reina Victoria just then, and felt good, but pretty tired and very sleepy. You see, the old woman had just made me some nice veal pie at home; I had eaten heartily and felt correspondingly. So I had just laid myself back in the seat of the hack and was about closin\u2019 my eyes, while the old hack horse was makin\u2019 a mile in five minutes for the first time in his life, when, whack\u2013bang\u2013bounce\u2013kerslap\u2013out drops the floor of the old coach; down it tumbled into the street, leavin\u2019 me with my feet on the ground and the coach goin\u2019 as I told it to go, like mad. I yelled to the driver to stop, but he didn’t pay any attention. I had told him not to stop for anybody or anythin\u2019, and he was carrying out my instructions. He didn’t hear me or didn’t heed me, and only whipped his old horse on the faster. So there was no help for it. I was in for it\u2013in a coach without any bottom. So I had to run inside a wagon faster than I had ever run outside of it, the men and women on the street starin\u2019 and screamin\u2019 at me as I ran or rode by with my legs goin\u2019 it between the wheels; and by the time I got to Union Square I was blowed completely, and fainted away in Shed Shook’s arms, who had to give me a stiff glass of brandy at the bar to revive me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

       This ride-walk, which was told as only Rooster Kell could tell it, was the last of Rooster Kell’s yarns, and was followed not long after by his death and burial.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Poor Rooster Kell! There are liars enough in New York, but who can ever lie again like Rooster Kell?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[Editor’s notes: Rooster Kelly (Abt. 1811-1881) was a well-known character in mid-19th century New York City. “Wooly Moon’s” real name was William Moon. Sheridan “Shed” Shook was a notable Republican party functionary and later became manager of the Union Square Theatre. His nickname is supposed to have come from his cornering a market on “shedder” or peeler crabs, blue crabs about to molt, at which time their meat was highly prized. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rooster’s obituary:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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